This story starts with loss. With pain and suffering that still assault me.
32 years old. Husband. Father. Son. Brother. Friend. Uncle. Gone.
Too young. Too loved. Too unexpected.
Too heart-wrenchingly painful.
When loss confronts us there’s nothing to say or do to explain it or fix it. There’s no sense left in the world. Only suffering that causes one to doubt God’s goodness. Only more pain that causes more anger.
When loss confronted me I felt betrayed, confused, and heartbroken. There were no answers to silence the questions rising up in me.
So I walked away from God. It wasn’t in an instant. It wasn’t obvious. At first, I clung to God. But over the months I went to church less, I read my Bible less, I listened to K-LOVE less, I saw my Christian friends less, I prayed less. It wasn’t a bold choice, but rather a passive erosion, this distancing myself from God.
There were terrible days and there were bearable days. There still are.
Over the past 8 months, God has never walked away, not boldly, not passively.
Sometimes when I’m angry, I want the person to walk away. To leave. To give up trying. But in the end, that would hurt more. I’d be lonelier, more broken.
God also didn’t rush me. He didn’t shove the good news of his everlasting love down my throat. I didn’t want to hear it. I would’ve rolled my eyes at the promise of supposedly good news. Depending on the day, I still might.
But do you know what God is doing? He’s gradually reminding me of his goodness. Soft, sweet, gentle memories of a time when I loved to sit in His presence.
The past couple weeks He’s brought up songs or verses that once meant something to me, to us, in this love story God’s writing with me. And I’ve found, these memories, and my God, they still mean something to me.
Music has a transcendent quality, how a single song can carry you to another time or place, bringing a fresh encounter with old memories. When God handpicked the song and verse I needed to hear, when He spoke those words and melodies into my soul, I remembered another time. I remembered many other times. Times when I felt lonely or overwhelmed and yet God met my every need. Times when He pulled me from the miry pit and gave me a firm place to stand.
1 I waited patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
and put their trust in him.
Psalm 40: 1-3
But what God gave me wasn’t just a memory of another time, a former time when God loved me and cared about me and answered my prayers. It was also a gentle reminder that God still loves me. Evidence that He still cares enough to speak to me, through a song, a verse, a memory.
It was the little glimpse at hope, at promise, at love, that I needed to make it through another day.
It was His unfailing love. His unconditional love.
A promise that He will never leave me, or stop loving me, or give up on me.
Yes, I am broken, and angry, and lonely, and bewildered in this life.
Yes, it’s a new battle but the same battle every day.
Yes, there are bad days and there are better days.
Yet, He loves me.
The days I seek Him. The days I fight. The days I distance myself.
Yet, He loves me.
The days I feel His love. The days I feel tears on my cheeks and anger in my heart. The days I don’t feel anything.
Yet, He loves me.